Articles
The Pain of Betrayal
I do not suppose there is anything that competes with personal anguish more than betrayal. It cuts deep and leaves a gaping wound. Sometimes the betrayal is so painful that mending the wound takes a lifetime, and still may never heal. No matter the kind of betrayal, if I am the one experiencing it, then mine is the worst.
Betrayal of a friendship. Betrayal of vows. Betrayal of a confidence. Betrayal of trust. On and on it goes. Betrayal is betrayal. The kinds of betrayal that gets the most attention is the betrayal of vows in a marriage and betrayal of a confidence. Trust is broken. No matter how long the marriage or how deep the relationship, the relationships are significantly impacted. The good news is, the relationship can survive, be stronger, and prosper.
It is easy to be a Monday morning quarterback and tell the one who has been betrayed, “You just need to forgive. You just need to forgive and act like it didn’t happen.” How does one do that? How does one act like the offense never happened? Further, that is not even a part of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness is about me. It is setting the prisoner free, and I am the prisoner. Telling someone to simply forgive and then drop it is no help at all. Yes, forgiveness will need to be applied! But first, there may need to be some healing that takes place. The disappointment, anger, hurt, anguish, sense of loss, are not easy to overcome. They take time. Before a person can even begin to think rationally about all that forgiveness entails, their painful heart will need lots of healing. There will be one thing required for the relationship to survive. That is commitment. “I do not understand what has happened. I do not understand why. I will forgive you, but right now I am so hurt and confused. One thing I promise is my commitment to this relationship.”
Another element of moving forward is finding “good” help. There will be plenty of help, but it needs to be productive, not accusatory. Someone will need to just listen--not judge or condemn--but just listen. If I am the one listening, I am there to listen, not to provide all the answers to why and wherefores. That means if it involves a marriage, the one who offended will need to listen to the one offended. Yes, again and again. They may never get complete understanding of what happened and why it happened, but the one who is hurt can heal. It demands a strong will. Part of listening is finding the right counselor. Here is where God specializes. Turning to God, instead of away, is one vital key to healing and forgiving. He is the great physician. He specializes in broken lives, broken hearts, and broken relationships. Finding healing from the word of God is vital.
While I have been talking about the one betrayed, I must also speak about the one who betrayed. The one who betrayed, and who has come in full repentance and contrition, also has a broken heart. That person feels the guilt and shame. That one sees the pain that has been caused on the face of their loved one. There is self-loathing. There is self-hatred. There are the questions, “How could I do to this to my Lord and the one I love so deeply? Why did I do this? How can I make the pain go away? Will I ever be able to look God in the face? Will I ever be able to look the one I love in the face again? When will the pain stop?” There is tremendous hurt on the part of the one who betrayed.
If I want to help, what am I to do? First, I am not the one who has been hurt. I am not the one who has been betrayed nor betrayed. I am not the one to be angry. I am not the one to accuse. It is not about me. Second, I am available to listen, pray with, and pray for. Third, I am not to hold a grudge and keep my foot on the throat of the one who betrayed. If I show a spirit of unforgiveness, I become like the older brother in the prodigal story. I must not refuse to allow both the one betrayed and the one who betrayed to heal and be right with God. I cannot stand in the way. Finally, I am there to show the fruit of the spirit and the never-failing love of God. My tone and attitude are one of heart-felt sorrow, compassion, and tenderness for those who are hurting.
Whether I am the one betrayed, or I am the one who betrayed, there is enough pain to go around. There is enough anguish to go around. If I am the one helping the hurting, I must make sure not to inflict more pain and hurt. Be sure to apply the salve of God’s unfailing love to the sore!
One last word. The relationship can survive. The relationship can heal. The relationship can be strong again. The relationship can be intimate once more. Betrayal and betraying do not have to be the final word. We cannot let the spirt of Satan defeat us. We must be filled with the spirit of God and filled with His fullness. “Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world!”
Rickie Jenkins
